Sorry for the lack of posting. I realize that no one reads this but I still feel guilty for not posting. School has been really getting heated up here in the last few weeks. I had never imagined that the courses would be this hard, this fast.
It has gotten to the point where I have doubted whether or not I will be able to be successful on the bike with in the next four years. Recently the idea of that has really began to sink in as I am barely able to get in 3 rides a week which is well down from my usual 5 to 6. This is pretty disappointing to me, as it is to pretty much every cyclist ever. I really don’t want to disappoint anyone who is supporting me at school. I hope I don’t.
In recent months my thoughts have lead more and more to the fact that I only get one opportunity to live my early adult years. My thoughts this summer almost solely revolved around how I could find a way to not fit the mold of the traditional teenager. Instead of spending my days in a cubicle I want to spend my days doing what I want to do. There were times, and still are, where I absolutely despise the people who set this paradigm into motion. The only thing that was holding me back was money, and the way i thought people would think about me. I hate to say it, and I never thought I would admit publicly that I succumb to the judgements of others. That is absolutely the opposite of what I like to believe. I like to think of myself as someone who is unlimited by the dogma that we have created in our society. I like to think of myself as someone who has the ability to transcend the bull shit, and just do what I want to do, explore. But money would still be holding me back even if I could get away from the judgements. How does one even go about supporting them self when they are trying to explore. Everyone is always so worried about money, and I understand why, I am too obviously, I just wish i had enough to do what I want, and got it form doing what I want, for some reason it doesn’t always work that way.
I think there are a number of reasons why I feel as I do, and I am sure that I am not alone. Here are some of my hypotheses as to why I feel this way:
I love being outdoors, and on my bike too much. I don’t think this is a problem, but seemingly everyone around me does.
Fear of college, the unknown, and being bored. I think of these three my biggest fear is boredom, I don’t know why, but office jobs just really don’t appeal to me, and having a set number of hours where I have to be somewhere bothers me.
Quite frankly I’m just tired of being unsuccessful on the bike, I need more time on it. The last two seasons haven’t been half of what I suspected, and the next one is shaping up to be that way as well.
I get jealous of the people who have the time, and are naturally gifted on the bike. I know with the proper amount of time and consistency I can be fast, I just haven’t cracked through that barrier since 2011.
So what does all of this mean, and why am I bringing it up?
Well I guess there are a number of reasons for that. I haven’t really been that concerned about all of this until recently, and very concerned about it today.
I think realizing how much I love exploring came to me at Philmont Scout Ranch last year. This was literally the greatest time of my life, and I can’t wait to go back there. I thought that I loved exploring before, and this not only confirmed it, but made me realize that I am way beyond in love with exploring. I don’t even have words for it. I literally look through maps all the time just looking for my next adventure. This applies to riding as well, just in case you were wondering, but you weren’t.
People inspire me, people like Tim Rugg, a local racer who’s blog I read decided to quit his job, and take himself to the next level. That takes some serious balls and I admire that courage, and I wish I had a quarter of it.
Finally I think the reason that this blog post is coming together tonight after, not even really being concerned with so many of these things for a while is the fact that pro cyclocross racer Amy Dombroski was killed today, while training. I didn’t know Amy personally, nor have I ever met her. But there have been just way too many people killed while riding their bikes for me to even handle, in the last month. While Amy is not the closest to home for me, so to speak, I believe the tragic death of Amy today in Belgium, really was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Trish Cunningham died on a road that I ride on regularly while i am at home. That really pissed me off. I felt threatened by that. Obviously that made me unbelievably upset as well. It has just been too much in the last month, what the hell is happening, people believe it is okay to run into people with their cars, people who have kids? It is such bull shit i just don’t even understand it. But the death of Amy Dombroski i think should be the straw that broke the camels back for the national cycling community. There are a bunch of campaigns for safe driving and blah de blah, but NONE OF IT IS WORKING. I don’t have the answer, nor do I claim to.
This post is getting awfully ranty, but that’s what I do.
I think what this post, and all of the crap going on in the world with the government, and the deaths of these people that feel so close to home, has taught me to want to live my life selfishly. That does not mean act selfish to other people, that just makes you a prick. I mean to get out there, do what you want to do, and do it well. That sounds very cliche, and it is. But just do it.
I take back what I said earlier, my biggest fear isn’t boredom, it’s REGRET. I don’t want to regret any missed chances, i just want to take them. Even better if that leads me to success on the bike.
What’s your biggest fear?
Thanks for reading,
Nick C
PS Mountain bike race this weekend at UVA stay tuned.
nickcaddenhead 